Isagenix day 1

I am starving. I am also cold. My office is soooo cold. They can't quite get the temp right.

I am not happy with my life right now. It was just the 4th of July weekend. I was dog sitting in Golden Valley. They have a scale and I weighted myself for the first time since March. I am up ANOTHER 10 pounds. That is 100 pounds total since my lowest weight less than 5 years ago. Since moving back to MN from CA I have gained a total of 75 pounds. I am sick of it. I feel like there is something wrong with me. I try to listen to my body and I exercise--but I KEEP GAINING! I do not like what I feel or see. I have been going through the Emily program for disordered eating for 2 years now. That is part of the weight gain. I was starving, bingeing, and purging many years with diet pills on top of that, anti depressants on top of that too! I thought I was making progress but the weight keeps piling on. All I can think about is WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME!

I do not want to be at odds with my body. I want to work with my body. I want to be a normal eater and be healthy. I hated going to my friends fourth of July party at the pool this weekend. It was one of many times in the past couple years I have not wanted to participate in something because of my weight and how I feel about myself. I dream of a year from now going to the same party and being at my body's healthy weight. Not having a perfect body by any means, but feeling like myself. Not having weight or my body as part of the weekend.

My love life or lack there of is due to the excess weight. I do not want to put myself out there because of my weight. How can someone love me if I don't love me? I know that weight is not a magic ingredient to find love. Look at my BFF Colleen or my roommate Brits, they have not found love and look great. But I know that I will not be dating until I feel good about myself and I will not feel good about myself until lose weight. I do not say this is a hurtful way to myself. I love who I am but this excess weight is not me. Also I do not think finding someone will fix me or save me. It is just part of a full life, not my whole life.

So this is just part of what has brought me here today, to day one of Isagenix. My mom has been using Isagenix for five months and lost 60+ pounds. She has made a lot of changes. She is not just baring down to follow rules of a diet but rather she is changing. Making changes of what she puts in her body and she is making a lifestyle of exercise. She has been urging me to try Isagenix for months but I was not ready. I don't want to be a part of some fad. I also do not want to start something again and fail again. Just to gain weight back plus more. I am doing the cleanse today and starting on the shakes tomorrow. The cleanse is 4 drinks and few almonds, celery, and 1 apple. Umm what up starvation. This seems like a bad idea. I feel like I am starving myself. Isn't this just going back to the eating disorder? No matter what happens I will not overeat and I will not throw up. I can forgive myself for overeating if I stumble but I will NOT allow myself to throw up. That is NOT an option.

I just text my mom to see if I can get a salad with oil and vinegar. She said I can but I feel like I will be cheating. She says I am not. This is a tough day but it will pass. I will get through it and it will pass. It will get easier each day.  The reward of losing weight and feeling good about my body again is WORTH IT!