It has been three weeks since I have started. I am down ten pounds. I do not feel great. It is not because of the program it is because of my view. Let me unpack this a bit. I feel like I need to do some unpacking. So I will use this blog to do so. I feel like a failure. In reality I am not a failure but I feel like one. WHY? I want to be perfect. I am not perfect. I feel guilt but that will stop me if I let it. I choose not to let it get to me. I will pick up again right where I am and move forward.
What am I losing weight for:
I have two weddings coming up the next couple weekends. I am dreading them to a point because of my weight. These are just 2 of a hundred weddings ahead of me. I am working hard now so I can enjoy the rest of the weddings in my future.
I am losing weight so I can feel more like myself
I am losing weight so I can put myself out there to date. At this point I just want to hide myself at this weight.
I want to feel confident doing whatever I am doing like a pool party or things in the summertime and not worry about my weight and how I look.
I want to have more control of what I want to wear and not always feel at the mercy of what fits and sacrifice style.
I want to look good as I get older. I turn 29 in October.
I want more!
Tuesday, July 26, 2011
Wednesday, July 13, 2011
good day
Ok I have been doing this for a week now. I started last Tuesday. I feel good. My weight is down so that is good too. I used two different scales but as of Monday AM I was down aprox 5 pounds. Yesterday I did a cleanse day and I have to say it was HARD. I felt out of it all day. I actually felt sick to my stomach in the AM. I was told that is because the toxins are working their way out of my body. Today I feel a lot better. Everyday I stay on track I feel that much more motivated and hopeful that I will stick with it and reach my goal.
I have a challenge ahead of me tonight. I am going to dinner with friends at Cafeteria in Uptown. The good thing is I can look at the menu and get ideas of what to have. I am leaning towards the turkey burger or veggie burger. They do not have a nutrition guide so I will look online to see some general calorie counts for those dinners. planning ahead is good so I don't impulsively get something once I arrive.
I have a challenge ahead of me tonight. I am going to dinner with friends at Cafeteria in Uptown. The good thing is I can look at the menu and get ideas of what to have. I am leaning towards the turkey burger or veggie burger. They do not have a nutrition guide so I will look online to see some general calorie counts for those dinners. planning ahead is good so I don't impulsively get something once I arrive.
Wednesday, July 6, 2011
So many diets so little time
Noise. There is so much noise about dieting and what it takes to be healthy. It is hard to know up from down when it comes to weight loss and healthy lifestyle. Is there a right or wrong answer?
We are planning a girls weekend and a friend of mine just said sandwiches are not healthy for you. Sandwiches?! It makes me crazy. If we followed everyone's rules about eating we would not eat. We would starve to death.
Hahaha there are weight loss adds on this blog site. You can't escape it. How do you shut yourself off to the noise? It is everywhere.
We are planning a girls weekend and a friend of mine just said sandwiches are not healthy for you. Sandwiches?! It makes me crazy. If we followed everyone's rules about eating we would not eat. We would starve to death.
Hahaha there are weight loss adds on this blog site. You can't escape it. How do you shut yourself off to the noise? It is everywhere.
Tuesday, July 5, 2011
motivation
I am letting my tight pants motivate me through this cleanse day. I can't afford and do not want to buy ANOTHER pair of pants another new and BIGGER size. I half an apple and 3 out of my 6 raw almonds. Plus two of my Iso cleanse drinks. I will have the other half and another drink before working out tonight. I am worried about being too weak to workout. I feel good overall just hungry. What do I expect. I have been eating whatever whenever the past several years. I need some time to detox. I am not punishing my body. I am trying to work with it and reset it so I can be healthier in the long run.
It is hard not to beat myself up for the weight and my body. I want to embrace that this is temporary. Part of the emotional healing process. Food it for nutrition and fuel my body. The weight and my body are consequence of years of abuse. I have over eaten and eaten when I am not hungry for as long as I can remember. It is going to take a lot of work to go against that urge and move forward. I am not going to starve myself, I am not going to over eat, I am not going to eat for comfort. I of course will not be perfect but I will try my best each and every day! I am so blessed I get to use this system to help me through this process.
It is hard not to beat myself up for the weight and my body. I want to embrace that this is temporary. Part of the emotional healing process. Food it for nutrition and fuel my body. The weight and my body are consequence of years of abuse. I have over eaten and eaten when I am not hungry for as long as I can remember. It is going to take a lot of work to go against that urge and move forward. I am not going to starve myself, I am not going to over eat, I am not going to eat for comfort. I of course will not be perfect but I will try my best each and every day! I am so blessed I get to use this system to help me through this process.
Isagenix day 1
I am starving. I am also cold. My office is soooo cold. They can't quite get the temp right.
I am not happy with my life right now. It was just the 4th of July weekend. I was dog sitting in Golden Valley. They have a scale and I weighted myself for the first time since March. I am up ANOTHER 10 pounds. That is 100 pounds total since my lowest weight less than 5 years ago. Since moving back to MN from CA I have gained a total of 75 pounds. I am sick of it. I feel like there is something wrong with me. I try to listen to my body and I exercise--but I KEEP GAINING! I do not like what I feel or see. I have been going through the Emily program for disordered eating for 2 years now. That is part of the weight gain. I was starving, bingeing, and purging many years with diet pills on top of that, anti depressants on top of that too! I thought I was making progress but the weight keeps piling on. All I can think about is WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME!
I do not want to be at odds with my body. I want to work with my body. I want to be a normal eater and be healthy. I hated going to my friends fourth of July party at the pool this weekend. It was one of many times in the past couple years I have not wanted to participate in something because of my weight and how I feel about myself. I dream of a year from now going to the same party and being at my body's healthy weight. Not having a perfect body by any means, but feeling like myself. Not having weight or my body as part of the weekend.
My love life or lack there of is due to the excess weight. I do not want to put myself out there because of my weight. How can someone love me if I don't love me? I know that weight is not a magic ingredient to find love. Look at my BFF Colleen or my roommate Brits, they have not found love and look great. But I know that I will not be dating until I feel good about myself and I will not feel good about myself until lose weight. I do not say this is a hurtful way to myself. I love who I am but this excess weight is not me. Also I do not think finding someone will fix me or save me. It is just part of a full life, not my whole life.
So this is just part of what has brought me here today, to day one of Isagenix. My mom has been using Isagenix for five months and lost 60+ pounds. She has made a lot of changes. She is not just baring down to follow rules of a diet but rather she is changing. Making changes of what she puts in her body and she is making a lifestyle of exercise. She has been urging me to try Isagenix for months but I was not ready. I don't want to be a part of some fad. I also do not want to start something again and fail again. Just to gain weight back plus more. I am doing the cleanse today and starting on the shakes tomorrow. The cleanse is 4 drinks and few almonds, celery, and 1 apple. Umm what up starvation. This seems like a bad idea. I feel like I am starving myself. Isn't this just going back to the eating disorder? No matter what happens I will not overeat and I will not throw up. I can forgive myself for overeating if I stumble but I will NOT allow myself to throw up. That is NOT an option.
I just text my mom to see if I can get a salad with oil and vinegar. She said I can but I feel like I will be cheating. She says I am not. This is a tough day but it will pass. I will get through it and it will pass. It will get easier each day. The reward of losing weight and feeling good about my body again is WORTH IT!
I am not happy with my life right now. It was just the 4th of July weekend. I was dog sitting in Golden Valley. They have a scale and I weighted myself for the first time since March. I am up ANOTHER 10 pounds. That is 100 pounds total since my lowest weight less than 5 years ago. Since moving back to MN from CA I have gained a total of 75 pounds. I am sick of it. I feel like there is something wrong with me. I try to listen to my body and I exercise--but I KEEP GAINING! I do not like what I feel or see. I have been going through the Emily program for disordered eating for 2 years now. That is part of the weight gain. I was starving, bingeing, and purging many years with diet pills on top of that, anti depressants on top of that too! I thought I was making progress but the weight keeps piling on. All I can think about is WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME!
I do not want to be at odds with my body. I want to work with my body. I want to be a normal eater and be healthy. I hated going to my friends fourth of July party at the pool this weekend. It was one of many times in the past couple years I have not wanted to participate in something because of my weight and how I feel about myself. I dream of a year from now going to the same party and being at my body's healthy weight. Not having a perfect body by any means, but feeling like myself. Not having weight or my body as part of the weekend.
My love life or lack there of is due to the excess weight. I do not want to put myself out there because of my weight. How can someone love me if I don't love me? I know that weight is not a magic ingredient to find love. Look at my BFF Colleen or my roommate Brits, they have not found love and look great. But I know that I will not be dating until I feel good about myself and I will not feel good about myself until lose weight. I do not say this is a hurtful way to myself. I love who I am but this excess weight is not me. Also I do not think finding someone will fix me or save me. It is just part of a full life, not my whole life.
So this is just part of what has brought me here today, to day one of Isagenix. My mom has been using Isagenix for five months and lost 60+ pounds. She has made a lot of changes. She is not just baring down to follow rules of a diet but rather she is changing. Making changes of what she puts in her body and she is making a lifestyle of exercise. She has been urging me to try Isagenix for months but I was not ready. I don't want to be a part of some fad. I also do not want to start something again and fail again. Just to gain weight back plus more. I am doing the cleanse today and starting on the shakes tomorrow. The cleanse is 4 drinks and few almonds, celery, and 1 apple. Umm what up starvation. This seems like a bad idea. I feel like I am starving myself. Isn't this just going back to the eating disorder? No matter what happens I will not overeat and I will not throw up. I can forgive myself for overeating if I stumble but I will NOT allow myself to throw up. That is NOT an option.
I just text my mom to see if I can get a salad with oil and vinegar. She said I can but I feel like I will be cheating. She says I am not. This is a tough day but it will pass. I will get through it and it will pass. It will get easier each day. The reward of losing weight and feeling good about my body again is WORTH IT!
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