Change. Is change possible?

Since my birthday I have been asking myself if change is possible and what change I would like to see in my life. Change is hard. I think we all know this. As much as we want change and NEED change it takes a lot to get change.
Side note. I am at the car dealership getting my car worked on and in the future I am going to get a loaner and NOT wait. It is really boring. Plus just sitting here waiting for bad news..... Like sitting in a never ending doctor's waiting room.

Ok back to change. I do not want to be anti social holding up in my room watching netflix. So I am saying yes to social things even when I don't feel up to it. I felt convicted about netflix watching one show after another so I canceled it a couple days ago. It is probably better to sleep or read during the times I have been watching gossip girl. I am trying to balance work, social and taking care of myself time. Work is taking a toll. It has been our busiest time of year and it is hard to take time for me or my social life. I have been trying to not let it get me down. I say to myself "try something new" instead of getting mad or stressed I shut my door and pray. I want to do this in all the areas of my life that I am looking for change. In my eating life--instead of walking into the trap of  overeating or eating for any reason besides hunger. STOP myself when I start going down that road and say to myself "try something new" eating has not helped in the past why would it help now? Isagenix works if I do it. Along with the shakes, supplements, jazzercise and the 400-600 calorie meals I need to take care of myself with prayer, self reflection, surround myself with people who encourage and uplift me. I have come a long way since my first post July 5th and I want to keep moving forward. People have been noticing and complimenting me on my weight loss so far. I am down 35 (not including my overeating weekend I am up 2). I am wearing pants I didn't fit into before. I want to be under my next goal weight by the new year. Lord renew my strength and resolve to follow the isagenix program and make changes.

Why I want to lose weight:
Kellie's wedding in July. I want to look and feel good. If there are any cute guys there I want to get their attention! I want to dance and not worry about how I look. I want to get a new dress and feel HOT not just feel like "this is the best I can do"
dating life: I wont date until I feel good about myself and I wont feel good about myself until I take care of myself.
Feel and stay young.
Feel girly/sexy
Feel desirable
Feel like I control my life--food does not control me!

My conclusion:
Change is possible. I am doing it now.

PS

I can fit into pants I have not been able to fit into and I went shopping two days ago with my friend at the outlets. I actually enjoyed myself and found stuff in smaller sizes that LOOOOOKKKKK GREEEEAAATT! Whoooohooooo. IT IS SO WORTH IT!!

LONG TIME

I have not posted in a long time. I guess I have not been up for it. BUT I have made progress with Isagenix. I started July 5th and I am down 32 pounds as of this AM. That is just under 10 pounds per month. I feel great and people tell me I LOOK GREAT TOO.

I have been slowing down. I feel like I have been shooting myself in the foot. For example the first three months I was able to say no to temptations in order to reach the high goal but as of late (the last three weeks) I have been giving in. Last night I was not hungry but ended up eating left over pasta at 11:30 at night!! NOT COOL. Then I feel HORRIBLE about it--knowing it is not getting me where I want to be.

I wonder if part of it is my reunion hanging over my head. I have my ten year reunion three weeks from now. Part of me wants to go and part of me doesn't. The part that doesn't is because of my weight. I do not want to be judged for my weight OR invisible because of it. I can just picture guys drooling over Colleen just like 10 years ago. I do not think I can handle that. But the part that does want to go thinks it would be fun to catch up with people that I have not seen or prob even thought of in 10 years. IDK. I do not want to get there and have it be a NIGHTMARE! I think that the reason I am having a hard time right now is because this is bothering me under the surface. SNAP OUT OF IT AMY! You have what you need to continue losing weight. You have motivation, you have self-control, you have products that help, you have an exercise program you love. YOU CAN DO IT!


Amy why do you want to lose weight?


So I do not have to dread events where I see a lot of people who have not seen me in a while
Feel more confidant when I go out
So I am able to put myself out there to date
Energy
So I can enjoy shopping again
Look good/feel good
so my body or weight wont stop me from living life to the fullest
So I do not fall into the family NORM. BREAK generational pattern.
I want to inspire others
I do not want to be invisable anymore


Because of this I need to commit to doing it differently. Think about what I am eating and why. Do not fall into the compulsive habit. If hunger is not the symptom food is not the answer! I can eat whatever I want when I am hungry. But though everything is permissible not everything is beneficial. 

This time of year is a busy time at work. I need to make time to take care of myself. I need to get enough sleep. Have enough downtime and listen to my body, soul, and mind. When I do not do this and let myself get swept away without checking in I binge and purge. In the spirit of full disclosure, I did binge and purge the weekend of my bday. It was a tough weekend full of emotions I did not want to deal with. Turning 29 is hard. Last year of my twenties. Not where I expected to be in life at age 29... I do not want to get into this now but I have since forgiven myself from the episode and renewed my commitment to not purge. Ok I will check in soon.

Invisible

Being overweight makes you invisible. I mean you are quite visible because you are BIG but I was at a wedding this past weekend and I felt completely invisible at different points of the night. Maybe I notice this because I have been thin and now I am overweight. Between the wedding and the reception we went to a bar to pass the time. These old men started talking to my companion that was sitting right next to me and did not engage me at all. Like I was not even there. It happened again later in the night when my friend and I were at a table, just her and I, he came up and insisted she danced with him for a fast song and just ignored that I was right next to her. I can't blame them for not wanting to see me. I don't want to see myself most days but come on. Part of the reason I want to lose weight is so I can be seen again! I would like to be in a healthy relationship and you cant do that unless you date. How can you date when you are not visible to others?

Progress:
It has been just over a month since I started and I am done 18 pounds! I am really excited. I can do this. I need to tell myself this EVERYDAY. My goal is to be down another 25 pounds by my Birthday. That is just two months away. My mom is down 70 pounds in 5 months!

Three weeks

It has been three weeks since I have started. I am down ten pounds. I do not feel great. It is not because of the program it is because of my view. Let me unpack this a bit. I feel like I need to do some unpacking. So I will use this blog to do so. I feel like a failure. In reality I am not a failure but I feel like one. WHY? I want to be perfect. I am not perfect. I feel guilt but that will stop me if I let it. I choose not to let it get to me. I will pick up again right where I am and move forward.

What am I losing weight for:
I have two weddings coming up the next couple weekends. I am dreading them to a point because of my weight. These are just 2 of a hundred weddings ahead of me. I am working hard now so I can enjoy the rest of the weddings in my future.
I am losing weight so I can feel more like myself
I am losing weight so I can put myself out there to date. At this point I just want to hide myself at this weight.
I want to feel confident doing whatever I am doing like a pool party or things in the summertime and not worry about my weight and how I look.
I want to have more control of what I want to wear and not always feel at the mercy of what fits and sacrifice style.
I want to look good as I get older. I turn 29 in October.
I want more!

good day

Ok I have been doing this for a week now. I started last Tuesday. I feel good. My weight is down so that is good too. I used two different scales but as of Monday AM I was down aprox 5 pounds. Yesterday I did a cleanse day and I have to say it was HARD. I felt out of it all day. I actually felt sick to my stomach in the AM. I was told that is because the toxins are working their way out of my body. Today I feel a lot better. Everyday I stay on track I feel that much more motivated and hopeful that I will stick with it and reach my goal.

I have a challenge ahead of me tonight. I am going to dinner with friends at Cafeteria in Uptown. The good thing is I can look at the menu and get ideas of what to have. I am leaning towards the turkey burger or veggie burger. They do not have a nutrition guide so I will look online to see some general calorie counts for those dinners. planning ahead is good so I don't impulsively get something once I arrive.

So many diets so little time

Noise. There is so much noise about dieting and what it takes to be healthy. It is hard to know up from down when it comes to weight loss and healthy lifestyle. Is there a right or wrong answer?

We are planning a girls weekend and a friend of mine just said sandwiches are not healthy for you. Sandwiches?! It makes me crazy. If we followed everyone's rules about eating we would not eat. We would starve to death.

Hahaha there are weight loss adds on this blog site. You can't escape it. How do you shut yourself off to the noise? It is everywhere.

motivation

I am letting my tight pants motivate me through this cleanse day. I can't afford and do not want to buy ANOTHER pair of pants another new and BIGGER size. I half an apple and 3 out of my 6 raw almonds. Plus two of my Iso cleanse drinks. I will have the other half and another drink before working out tonight. I am worried about being too weak to workout. I feel good overall just hungry. What do I expect. I have been eating whatever whenever the past several years. I need some time to detox. I am not punishing my body. I am trying to work with it and reset it so I can be healthier in the long run.

It is hard not to beat myself up for the weight and my body. I want to embrace that this is temporary. Part of the emotional healing process. Food it for nutrition and fuel my body. The weight and my body are consequence of years of abuse. I have over eaten and eaten when I am not hungry for as long as I can remember. It is going to take a lot of work to go against that urge and move forward. I am not going to starve myself, I am not going to over eat, I am not going to eat for comfort. I of course will not be perfect but I will try my best each and every day! I am so blessed I get to use this system to help me through this process.

Isagenix day 1

I am starving. I am also cold. My office is soooo cold. They can't quite get the temp right.

I am not happy with my life right now. It was just the 4th of July weekend. I was dog sitting in Golden Valley. They have a scale and I weighted myself for the first time since March. I am up ANOTHER 10 pounds. That is 100 pounds total since my lowest weight less than 5 years ago. Since moving back to MN from CA I have gained a total of 75 pounds. I am sick of it. I feel like there is something wrong with me. I try to listen to my body and I exercise--but I KEEP GAINING! I do not like what I feel or see. I have been going through the Emily program for disordered eating for 2 years now. That is part of the weight gain. I was starving, bingeing, and purging many years with diet pills on top of that, anti depressants on top of that too! I thought I was making progress but the weight keeps piling on. All I can think about is WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME!

I do not want to be at odds with my body. I want to work with my body. I want to be a normal eater and be healthy. I hated going to my friends fourth of July party at the pool this weekend. It was one of many times in the past couple years I have not wanted to participate in something because of my weight and how I feel about myself. I dream of a year from now going to the same party and being at my body's healthy weight. Not having a perfect body by any means, but feeling like myself. Not having weight or my body as part of the weekend.

My love life or lack there of is due to the excess weight. I do not want to put myself out there because of my weight. How can someone love me if I don't love me? I know that weight is not a magic ingredient to find love. Look at my BFF Colleen or my roommate Brits, they have not found love and look great. But I know that I will not be dating until I feel good about myself and I will not feel good about myself until lose weight. I do not say this is a hurtful way to myself. I love who I am but this excess weight is not me. Also I do not think finding someone will fix me or save me. It is just part of a full life, not my whole life.

So this is just part of what has brought me here today, to day one of Isagenix. My mom has been using Isagenix for five months and lost 60+ pounds. She has made a lot of changes. She is not just baring down to follow rules of a diet but rather she is changing. Making changes of what she puts in her body and she is making a lifestyle of exercise. She has been urging me to try Isagenix for months but I was not ready. I don't want to be a part of some fad. I also do not want to start something again and fail again. Just to gain weight back plus more. I am doing the cleanse today and starting on the shakes tomorrow. The cleanse is 4 drinks and few almonds, celery, and 1 apple. Umm what up starvation. This seems like a bad idea. I feel like I am starving myself. Isn't this just going back to the eating disorder? No matter what happens I will not overeat and I will not throw up. I can forgive myself for overeating if I stumble but I will NOT allow myself to throw up. That is NOT an option.

I just text my mom to see if I can get a salad with oil and vinegar. She said I can but I feel like I will be cheating. She says I am not. This is a tough day but it will pass. I will get through it and it will pass. It will get easier each day.  The reward of losing weight and feeling good about my body again is WORTH IT!